Leaving the Negative and Going to the Positive

Hello Everyone,

Sorry for the long time no post, but this past week has been very trying and straining on me. My wonderful aunt that was out here for two months went back home to Honduras last sunday. I miss her so much. She was always supportive, very kind, and one of those people that i know without a doubt believes in me. I also got a new job! Wohoo. And i am very excited for this new oppertunity and adventure. Plus it is something to put a little pep in my step, and start working towards my main goals of being more independant and self sufficient. What has been just tearing my down, is my continually declining relationship with my mother. We fight all the time and it completely brings down my self esteem and confidence.There is nothing positive that comes out in our "conversations" as she like to put it, and i running out of options on how to change my behavior to better suit her. Sometimes in life there are people, without explanation that just are not the right people that need to be in your life. Unfortunately my mother is one of them. I have many times this week contemplated suicide because i have just run out of options.I don't know how to talk to her, she frightens me, and alot of the time she says things that are so hurtful, all i can do is cry.Maybe the best decision is to pack my bags and say, "I cannot be around you anymore, I love you, but your presence in my life is a negative one." I feel alone, like I am a one woman army against the whole world. Nothing i say or do is ever right. I am the black sheep, and nothing is going to change that. Yep i am going to pack a bag and just go. It is what is best for my mental and physical health because I am not emotional safe at this place. Till next time....

With Much Love
Ashley

Weight,Love and other Shinanigans

Hey Everyone, I wanted to update you guys on whats comming up for my blog. The FIRST wine of the month post will be either tomarrow or friday, (still need to buy the wine =] ) and hopefully i will get a food entry and a craft up by the beginning of next week. What i really wanted to talk about though, is something that i think most everyone goes through at some point of their lives. Its the "Im so in love so im getting chunky syndrome." You know the one that your in a relationship with someone and you get comfertable and you start to let yourself go a little bit. That is what im going through right now. My boyfriend Nick,(yes i just releaved his name!) have been dating for about a year and a half now, and now we are at that stage where I might not make as much effort because he already thinks that im beautiful. I was back to my pre-prenancy wieght, looking good, feeling great but now ive gained about 10-15 pounds and im thinking this is no bueno! I need to get my sexy back, that confidence that I know when I go out or just go to the store, I know im hot! haha....I honestly believe that we as a human race prep so hard when we are trying to find mr/mrs right and then let ourselves go when weve found them. I think for me personally, being able to get back to my "sexy self" will allow me to not just be a better girlfriend, but help my mood and confidence that can influence my other relationships(friendships people...) Anyway that was just a thought.
With Much Love
Ashley

Ugg....fustrated

I am super fustrated this morning and alot of it stems from what happened last night. First part of my day was awesome! Fantasy draft ( read all about it on my sports page!) and hanging out with some of the coolest people i know. I brought KB with me because my friend has two kids and his son is around KB's age. It was so cute because they got along so well. It also was a huge stress reliever because both me and my son could have some fun. I got to see one of my best friends Joe, yesterday too. He has always been there for me and we've always had this special relationship that we can trust each other with anything. So it was really great to catch up with him. After leaving my friends house, we came home and rested for a bit. My family came home soon after that and thats when things started to go downhill. It was fine at first, we were all watching Real Housewives of New Jersey,(yes im a bravo tv junkie) KB was a little cranky but that was because he had a long day. Then we were watching America: The History of Us ( if you havent seen it watch it!) and everything changed. My wonderful boyfriend came home last night, and he wanted to see both me and KB so im getting KB ready to go to my boyfriends, which is like 10 minutes down the street, and my mom said that i wasnt allowed to take my OWN son because she felt it was too late. Ok first of all, I understand where she was comming from, it was a little late, but KB was up with no sign of going to bed soon, so i thought an hour to spend out to wear him down a bit wouldnt be a bad idea. This was the fact that pissed me off, It was that she still feels like she has a say over EVERYTHING. She treats me like im 12 and not like im a grown woman with a child. It is so frustrating and what is worse is that i cant say anything without my her taking it as rude and disrespectful.Hopefully i can find my own voice and try to find my own independence. I feel like these instances chip away at my self esteem and my worth.But today is a new day, I dont have to work today, so im going to make the most of it!
With Much Love
Ashley